Negative Influences

As I said before, we are influenced by what we love and what we hate.  Hate can be sometimes be and even stronger influence on our lives than love.  This applies at many different levels.

Hate (anger turned out) and depression (anger turned in) are both issues we all have to deal with.

A person wrongs me and makes me angry.  My hate/anger towards that person will influence how I deal not only with that person but with any other person that I perceive to be "painted with the same brush." Holding on to hate or anger, withholding forgiveness, although it sounds trite, only damages you and influences you in a way that causes you to make unhealthy choices. Depending on its strength, it affects your relationships, your physical health and your emotional and spiritual well-being.  Here are some quotes about forgiveness to ponder.  Don't skirt over them but actually read them out loud and think about what they're saying.  Holding on to a slight because it's yours poisons your ability to create beauty.  No matter what, it will steal from you and do no damage to the object of your hate, thus defeating the purpose.

"The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Mahatma Gandhi

"We must develop and maintain the ability to forgive.  He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.  When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies." Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Forgiveness is a funny thing.  It warms the heart and cools the sting." William Arthur Ward

"It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive.  Forgive everybody." Maya Angelou

"Forgiveness is not always easy. At times it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one who inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness."  Marianne Williamson

Hate towards ourselves results in self-talk that goes something like this:

• "You're so stupid.  Why did you say that?  That's stupid and now that person knows how stupid you really are."
• "You're a clutz.  You'll never be anything but clumsy."
• "You're unlovable.  No one can ever love you, at least not if they ever get to know you.  They're saying the right words but wait until they find out who you really are."
• "You're ugly.  Your body is disgusting.  You can't ever let anyone see your body because they'll just be disgusted."
• "You can never get anything right.  What are you even still doing here?"
• "You're no good at that.  You're never going to be able to do it right so why even try?"
• "You'll never be able to persevere.  You're too wishy-washy for that.  You fail at everything and you're going to fail at this, too.  Don't even waste your time.  You should give up now, or better yet, why even start when you're know you're just going to give up."

These thoughts come in many variations and strengths but these are on the hit parade.  Saying these sorts of things about ourselves and agreeing with them influences every decision we make about who we are, what we can accomplish and who we're with.  

People spend all sorts of money and many years of their lives to overcome these conversations, but we start here.  Recognize the voice in your head that's making these types of statements and label them for what they are - negative self-talk.  Naming a thing is always a good first step.

The second thing is to realize that every single living person on this planet has these conversations with themselves at different times of their lives.  Sometimes the conversation is louder and more persistent than at other times but it visits us all. It really isn't just you.

The third thing is to begin bringing  your own voice into the conversation as well as the voices of others who don't agree with these statements.  So the responses can become:

• "Yeah, I feel stupid about what I just said or did and that person may realize it was stupid but, you know what, we all do stupid things from time to time and all it proves is that I'm human."
• "I may not be the most coordinated person on the planet but it's not going to make the stars fall out of the sky."
• "I feel unlovable today but it's not true that I am unlovable. Just the fact that I crave love proves I'm not beyond having it."
• "I'm not happy about how my body looks but that's not all that I am.  Even if I can't change what I don't like doesn't mean that has to define me."
• "I do get some things right.  I was kind to someone today and I helped someone out and I listened to someone else's problems. I got those things right."
• "I may not be good at this but that doesn't mean I can't learn to be better.  If I fail, I will try again."
• "I need to be more persistent.  I'm going to find someone who will help me keep on track.  If I can't do it alone, I can do it with help."

Of course, these are a little simplistic and some of these issues may need to be dealt with using the support of a professional but recognizing, naming and responding is still the start.  I sometimes literally respond out loud to these conversations in my head to keep myself from allowing them to go unchallenged.

To unleash greater creativity and a greater ability to receive constructive criticism and work and live collaboratively with others, it's important to acknowledge that we have negative thoughts and emotions and develop a strategy to overcome them.  You can reach the stars, I don't care what anybody says!

Influenced by People

All of us are influenced by people.  My perpetual curiosity came by the influence of both my mother and my father.  I learned about logic and how to identify the individual steps of an event (or an emotion) from my high school geometry teacher.  I learned the world was out there from my Grandma and my Cuban and German aunts.  These were people who were in my life by default. That's significant but not the whole story.

We can also choose people who have knowledge, wisdom or a characteristic we want to incorporate into our lives.  For me, because of my wide interests, I have a wide variety of people I listen to, that I can learn from, who can influence my life.  In fact, about half of the people I follow on Facebook and about 95% of the people I follow on Twitter are people who I admire and want to learn from.  The other half of my Facebook "friends" are actually friends or acquaintances that I follow as a way to share a little bit of their lives when I can't be around them as much as I may want.

But no one in my personal circle - that I know of - is a part of Twitter so that gave me the opportunity to use that platform to be curious about the world as well as interact with people whom I don't know but have something to say about things I'm interested in.  I follow a couple of news outlets in New Zealand and Australia because I was interested in how life goes for people in those countries that I would love to visit but probably will never get the chance.  I get an idea of the things that people in those countries care about and are talking about.  I'm following a radio station in Australia to get a little different perspective there.  I follow Melinda Gates because I admire her integrity and heart and her deep passion for the world and for making a way for women throughout the world.  I follow some gardening sites because I have so much to learn in that arena.  I follow textile artists from different disciplines from around the world.  I want to see what they're creating and what's influencing their art.  Maybe some of that will rub off on me. I follow some writing groups so I can feel a part of that community. I follow a silly reporter from a newspaper in Glasgow, Scotland, because he makes me laugh out loud.  I follow a few people whose whole presence on Twitter is aimed at encouraging people to excel and be tenacious and kind and constructive (without being soppy about it - I hate soppy sweety pie in the sky).

I made deliberate choices to ensure that the time I spend involved in social media (not a whole lot, if I'm honest) is making a positive influence on my life.  That's not to say I only follow people that agree with my views on the world, religion or politics.  No one grows by only listening to people they agree with.  If someone disagrees with my views but can give a reasoned perspective for their beliefs, that gives me a more dimensional view of the world and helps me understand the lives and circumstances of people outside of my personal experience.  If you can challenge me in some constructive way, I want to listen.

If you want to be creative, hang out with people who are creative.  If you want to be kind, hang out with people who are genuinely kind.  If you want to be determined and tenacious, hang out with that kind of person.  You may have those people in your circle of family and friends but you can also seek out more of those people on purpose for a specific reason.

Be sure your influences are those that are going to lead you, encourage you, kick you in the back side to keep you going and be honest with you.  Nothing can stop you with that behind you.

Influences

We all have influences in our lives.  Some we're aware of but most of the influences that affect us are unseen and unexamined.  Understanding the things that influence us can give us more control over who we become and can make our lives much richer.

Parents, family, extended family, lovers, friends, teachers, self-conversations, shop owners, celebrities, public figures, media, music, language, education, environment, interests, likes, hates, circumstances. We are influenced by all of the effects from the moment we're conceived.

Some influences we choose and others are thrust upon us.

We may choose to admire someone for what they say or accomplish or represent.  There's something about them that we admire and want to emulate.  We choose them to influence us so we can be like them, which is fine unless we lose ourselves in them.

Influence: the capacity or power of persons or things to be a compelling force on or produce effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc. of others; an effect of one person or thing on another.

Being aware of the things that influence us gives us the power to accept or reject the "compelling force" based on whether it will help us be what we need to be.  Understanding those influences gives us power over them; refusing to examine them makes us powerless in the face of them and weakens our ability to overcome their sway when necessary.

We don't have power over everything that happens to us or all of the people in our lives.  Being aware of our vulnerability to their influences can help us choose how we react to them.  How we react to them is also a powerful influence in our lives.  Our lives are influenced as much by things we hate as by things we love.

As small children, we're strongly influenced by the people most directly involved in our lives.

As teenagers, we are influenced by other teenagers as well as by fashions, trends, music, advertising, media, social media.

As young adults we are often influenced by the choices we make about lifetyle, ambition, those who can impact our career choices, dates, friends,

As we age, we can become inordinately influenced by what we suppose others might think of us or what society might say about our choices and lifestyle.

Of course, these are generalizations but my point is not that we shouldn't allow ourselves to be influenced but that we should be aware of the many ways, both subtle and overt, in which we are influenced and decide which of them get to affect us and how.

Influences aren't just personal, either.  We are influenced as communities, ethnic groups and countries.

There can be positive influences, such as courage of a Martin Luther King or Gandhi or Abraham Lincoln or there can be negative influences like the angular dour colorless Soviet architecture and aesthetic that was a  rebellion against the ornate, brightly colored, opulent influence of the Russian Orthodoxy.

Take an inventory of the things that influenced you today.  Think about the words and phrases you use.  Where did those originate?  Think about your conclusions about products or lifestyle or personal worth that were influenced by something in the media this week.  Ads, music, commentary, entertainment, social media.  What did you allow into your life that made a positive influence on you?  What did you allow into your life that made a negative influence on you?

Did those influences make you feel stronger, wiser, brighter, lovlier?

Did those influences make you feel worse about yourself, feed negatives thoughts about yourself, discourage you, abuse you?

It's important in this life of ours to make sure that we surround ourselves with influences and influencers who are going to make us better people, more caring, more loyal, braver, stronger people. That's the only way we're going to ever be able to influence those around us to become better people, more caring, more loyal, braver, stronger and help the beat go on.