Negative Influences

As I said before, we are influenced by what we love and what we hate.  Hate can be sometimes be and even stronger influence on our lives than love.  This applies at many different levels.

Hate (anger turned out) and depression (anger turned in) are both issues we all have to deal with.

A person wrongs me and makes me angry.  My hate/anger towards that person will influence how I deal not only with that person but with any other person that I perceive to be "painted with the same brush." Holding on to hate or anger, withholding forgiveness, although it sounds trite, only damages you and influences you in a way that causes you to make unhealthy choices. Depending on its strength, it affects your relationships, your physical health and your emotional and spiritual well-being.  Here are some quotes about forgiveness to ponder.  Don't skirt over them but actually read them out loud and think about what they're saying.  Holding on to a slight because it's yours poisons your ability to create beauty.  No matter what, it will steal from you and do no damage to the object of your hate, thus defeating the purpose.

"The weak can never forgive.  Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong." Mahatma Gandhi

"We must develop and maintain the ability to forgive.  He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us.  When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies." Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Forgiveness is a funny thing.  It warms the heart and cools the sting." William Arthur Ward

"It's one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself, to forgive.  Forgive everybody." Maya Angelou

"Forgiveness is not always easy. At times it feels more painful than the wound we suffered, to forgive the one who inflicted it. And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness."  Marianne Williamson

Hate towards ourselves results in self-talk that goes something like this:

• "You're so stupid.  Why did you say that?  That's stupid and now that person knows how stupid you really are."
• "You're a clutz.  You'll never be anything but clumsy."
• "You're unlovable.  No one can ever love you, at least not if they ever get to know you.  They're saying the right words but wait until they find out who you really are."
• "You're ugly.  Your body is disgusting.  You can't ever let anyone see your body because they'll just be disgusted."
• "You can never get anything right.  What are you even still doing here?"
• "You're no good at that.  You're never going to be able to do it right so why even try?"
• "You'll never be able to persevere.  You're too wishy-washy for that.  You fail at everything and you're going to fail at this, too.  Don't even waste your time.  You should give up now, or better yet, why even start when you're know you're just going to give up."

These thoughts come in many variations and strengths but these are on the hit parade.  Saying these sorts of things about ourselves and agreeing with them influences every decision we make about who we are, what we can accomplish and who we're with.  

People spend all sorts of money and many years of their lives to overcome these conversations, but we start here.  Recognize the voice in your head that's making these types of statements and label them for what they are - negative self-talk.  Naming a thing is always a good first step.

The second thing is to realize that every single living person on this planet has these conversations with themselves at different times of their lives.  Sometimes the conversation is louder and more persistent than at other times but it visits us all. It really isn't just you.

The third thing is to begin bringing  your own voice into the conversation as well as the voices of others who don't agree with these statements.  So the responses can become:

• "Yeah, I feel stupid about what I just said or did and that person may realize it was stupid but, you know what, we all do stupid things from time to time and all it proves is that I'm human."
• "I may not be the most coordinated person on the planet but it's not going to make the stars fall out of the sky."
• "I feel unlovable today but it's not true that I am unlovable. Just the fact that I crave love proves I'm not beyond having it."
• "I'm not happy about how my body looks but that's not all that I am.  Even if I can't change what I don't like doesn't mean that has to define me."
• "I do get some things right.  I was kind to someone today and I helped someone out and I listened to someone else's problems. I got those things right."
• "I may not be good at this but that doesn't mean I can't learn to be better.  If I fail, I will try again."
• "I need to be more persistent.  I'm going to find someone who will help me keep on track.  If I can't do it alone, I can do it with help."

Of course, these are a little simplistic and some of these issues may need to be dealt with using the support of a professional but recognizing, naming and responding is still the start.  I sometimes literally respond out loud to these conversations in my head to keep myself from allowing them to go unchallenged.

To unleash greater creativity and a greater ability to receive constructive criticism and work and live collaboratively with others, it's important to acknowledge that we have negative thoughts and emotions and develop a strategy to overcome them.  You can reach the stars, I don't care what anybody says!